Oz News Network | NewsFlash!
Everything You Need to Know. Whether It Happened or Not.
O.Z. NEWS NETWORK
The Leader for News in Oz!
Ensure widest dissemination across all networks!
Good evening, citizens of Oz.
This is the O.Z. News Network. I’m your anchor Bristle Brightbottom , and we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with continuing coverage of what officials are calling “several unrelated events of absolutely no cause for alarm.”
We begin tonight in Munchkinland.
MYSTERIOUS HOUSE FALLS FROM SKY
Authorities are investigating reports that a farmhouse fell from the sky somewhere in the vicinity of Wend Harding.
Yes.
Again.
Witnesses across eastern Munchkinland reported seeing the structure descend during unusual atmospheric conditions. There are presently no confirmed casualties, although officials have asked residents to avoid the impact area until representatives of the Emerald City can determine precisely what fell, where it came from, and whether anyone underneath it deserved what happened.
The Palace has declined to comment on rumors that the incident bears similarities to the arrival of Dorothy Gale more than fifty years ago. Some reports suggest this house is similar but in better repair.
We stress that there is presently no evidence whatsoever that Dorothy Gale has returned to Oz.
There is also no evidence that she has not.
Please stop sending letters asking us. Please stop calling. The lines are completely full, unless of course you are calling about the Raspberry Jam Festival is Bright Lettins next week.
PURPLE FOG EMERGENCY CONTINUES
Meanwhile, the mysterious purple fog blanketing portions of Munchkinland continues to spread.
Communications remain severed with Bright Lettins and Old Pastoria. Emergency personnel dispatched into the affected region have failed to report back, but service on the Yellow Brick Rail continues with Oliphant Cobb recently offering this comment to our correspondent in Center Munch: “Bah!”
Residents of Nest Hardings, Three Dead Trees and surrounding communities are strongly advised not to enter the fog.
Officials remind citizens that purple fog is not, by itself, evidence of witchcraft. Green fog, however, should be reported immediately.
Glinda, the Good and Powerful, is expected to address the nation regarding the emergency. Palace officials assure OZNN that the situation remains under control.
They have asked us to repeat that.
Palace officials assure OZNN that the situation remains under control.
The Raspberry Jam Festival I just mentioned is now questionable for the weekend.
FORMER EMPEROR REPORTED IN MUNCHKINLAND
We turn now to an unusual development involving former Emperor Scarecrow, who has not been seen publicly in decades.
Several unconfirmed reports place the former ruler somewhere near the expanding fog zone, which coincidentally is a day’s walk from the Bread Slope Vineyards just up the road from Rush Margins.
Scarecrow assumed leadership of Oz following the departure of the Wizard but was removed during the Clockwork Revolution and has remained largely out of public life ever since.
His current condition is unknown.
Rumors that the former Emperor has spent much of the intervening period with his head submerged in vats of Munchkinlander wine are irresponsible, defamatory and impossible for this network to confirm.
We can, however, confirm that Munchkinlander wine production has declined substantially during the same period.
OZNN makes no connection between these facts.
There are additional reports that Scarecrow may be traveling toward Bright Lettins with a Flying Monkey.
Authorities have not confirmed the Monkey’s identity. Citizens are reminded that Flying Monkeys are not presently authorized for commercial passenger service.
CLOCKWORK PALACE DENIES MILITARY ACTIVITY
In the Emerald City, officials have denied reports of unusual Clockwork Army deployments.
OZNN has been unable to confirm rumors that an expedition has been dispatched toward Kiamo Ko, but a source speaking on condition of anonymity described recent troop movements as “routine mechanical exercises intended to ensure the continued safety, prosperity and compulsory happiness of every citizen of Oz.”
Palace officials representing Glinda, the Good and Powerful, have issued the following statements:
“She is calm.”
“She is confident.”
“She is good.”
This station takes no stance on these declarations.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE TIN MAN?
Tonight, OZNN continues its occasional series, WHERE ARE THEY NOW?, with one of the most mysterious figures of the post-Wizard era.
Nick Chopper, also known as The Tin Man, the former ruler of the Winkie Country.
Chopper has not been seen publicly in many years, and reports from his once-magnificent metal estate have become increasingly scarce. Travelers describe portions of the property as abandoned and deteriorating.
Rumors of his death cannot be substantiated. Rumors that he cannot technically die have also complicated our reporting.
If you have seen Nick Chopper, please contact your the OZNN hotline. There remains an outstanding warrant concerning an untimely incident involving a young couple in Wittica. Officials simply wish to question the reluctant hero known for his bravery near the end of the Wizard’s reign.
BUSINESS & ENTERTAINMENT
In entertainment news, Leo Records continues its remarkable dominance of the Ozian music industry under legendary proprietor and former royal companion, The Lion.
The famously demanding producer is reportedly preparing several acts for upcoming releases. Sources inside the company describe Lion as “intensely committed to artistic excellence.”
Employee turnover at Leo Records remains among the highest in the Emerald City. Representatives declined to comment other than to announce that the company cafeteria will remain closed until further notice.
In related news, Glitter Kidz! have announced they are seeking a new bass player.
Auditions begin tomorrow.
Applicants are encouraged to bring their own instruments.
And life insurance.
FLYING MONKEY ACTIVITY REPORTED
Finally tonight, authorities are investigating increased Flying Monkey activity along portions of the Yellow Brick Road.
One traveling merchant has failed to arrive at his scheduled destination, and witnesses report seeing unidentified Flying Monkeys carrying branded merchandise through the region.
Officials say there is no indication that these incidents are connected with the purple fog, the falling farmhouse, the former Emperor’s appearance, the disappearance of emergency personnel, the reported military deployments, or anything else mentioned during this broadcast.
Citizens are strongly discouraged from suggesting otherwise.
And now, the weather.
WEATHER
Purple.
Tomorrow:
More purple.
Long-range forecast:
Authorities have requested that we stop forecasting.
This has been an O.Z. News Network Special Report.
And remember: should you happen to see a strange woman wandering through Munchkinland with a small dog do not approach her. We have absolutely no reason to believe such a woman exists. Good night, Oz.
O.Z. NEWS NETWORK
The Leader for News in Oz.
Because if we don’t tell you what’s happening…
someone else might.
Author’s Notes: Dorothy: Locked & Loaded is a big story told through a lot of different eyes, and because of how the episodes are spaced out, we end up leaving our heroes — and villains — behind for a while. I’m posting two episodes per week, both on the same day to move things along, but still, it might be two weeks before you see what Dot is doing next or what the Lion has done previously.
How to keep the momentum going week-to-week? A gimmick perhaps? And since I’ve already introduced the idea of Oz radio, why not use that?
Therefore, …
Every ten episodes or so, OZNN NewsFlash will check in across Oz, remind us where everyone is, and catch us up on anything we might have missed. Think of it as a recap, except entirely in-world and reported by people who have absolutely no idea what’s really going on.
Everything you need to know. Whether it happened or not.
It adds a little fun, gives you, the reader, a chance to catch up, and you also might get some clues as to what is happening outside the knowledge of our characters, who are all told in close 1st person perspective.
I think it’ll be fun, and it fits will the outlandishness of this whole tale.
Enjoy!