Gaius Darkspell and the Sapphire of Regret | Part 3

Minotaur Bop

At one point during the night, it registered with Gaius, Ilium and Axor that every spell they cast backfired, ricocheted or went awry, leaving unintended consequences, all of it followed by Ilium’s ear-splitting condemnation echoing through the halls: “Gaius!”

He’d tried Wall of Force in the throne room, hoping to stave off a small contingent of angry guards reeking of dead squirrel, only to summon a Squall of Forks — like an indoor hailstorm of shiny metal that indiscriminately skewered everything in sight. Bane was particularly angered, bellowing something about meatballs and scattering guards left and right with his battle axe.

For his part, at least he was over the invisible loincloth thing; for everyone else’s part, at least the Invisible Loincloth Incident, which they would later sign a pact never to speak of again, was over.

Ilium, clever girl that she was, had decided to even the odds, and use some of her illusion magic, casting Mirror Image in hopes that a dozen versions of herself would distract the advancing contingent of guards, giving them time to get past the guard station at the end of the castle’s main hall. The Sapphire of Regret tingled, having none of it, and Moral Image delivered a dozen versions of Ilium chasing after her, each delivering a stern lecture on some past misstep, poor life choice or her unfulfilled destiny as a pastry chef.

Axor proved no less susceptible to the magic sapphire’s curse, but his magic worked nonetheless, allowing the adventurers to slip out of the main castle’s gates. His Harmony of Binding in D Minor was twisted and perverted into Harmony of Binding in C Major -- C standing for Contracts, summoning a small army of gnomish legal clerks with stacks of magically binding contracts in front of the remaining guards. The guards, immobilized by the bureaucratic jargon and legalese, stood transfixed by the spectacle, and while some ran shrieking from the room, more than a few accepted the pens offered and began the laborious process of signing literally anything put in front of them.

Even Gaius had to admit that perhaps, just maybe, but don’t bet the farm on it, the Sapphire of Regret had something to do with it.

The tingling at his hip, not unlike the tingling he’d felt that one time he’d scored with a pair of Fae twins after a bar fight over their virtue — turned out they were lacking in that department, but it was so sweet of Gaius to defend them (and won’t you come home with us?) — was there every time he uttered a spell he’d cast dozens of times. He couldn’t explain it, or rather, he didn’t want to.

Then, after what seemed more like a night of drunken debauchery than a simple heist with a foolproof plan, Bane grabbed the mighty castle doors in his oversized mitts, slammed them shut and then crushed the metal latch in a death grip that even made Death herself a little twitchy — not that she wasn’t into that sort of thing, but one could never be too careful.

Finally, free of the castle itself, Gaius and company turned, the golden warmth of the sunrise over the city meeting them. And just as a distant church tower’s bell rang out with the time, the Duke of Dread stepped out of the shadows and into the empty castle courtyard, his beefy fingers wrapped around a decidedly tasty looking breakfast sandwich of mutton, egg and cheese. He shoved the entirety of the sandwich in his mouth, gulped it down, and coughed. “A moment, sorry, I -- my manners are normally better. You caught me mid-breakfast, and I haven’t even had time to warm up the cherry cobbler.”

He waved at the party of heroes, wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and then straightened up. The man was as unthreatening as a cucumber sandwich, as Gaius had first remarked after their initial meeting the previous day. But he held himself with dignity, and he did have a furrowed brow, which might have passed for dread-inducing in the right light. He stepped closer, his ceremonial ducal long coat flapping ever so slightly in the breeze, revealing a pristine nightshirt that nearly covered his less-ceremonial house shoes.

Gaius stepped forward, as well, meeting the moment before Ilium could grab his shoulder. “No, my lord, pardon our manners. We were out for our normal morning constitutional, and I’m afraid Bane there had a piss in one of your flowerpots, which caused quite the upheaval. We didn’t mean to disturb your eminence with our early departure. Thought it best to…”

“...slip out unnoticed,” finished the Duke with an understanding nod. “And before the breakfast cobbler. Shame really. What regretful timing,” he said with a smirk, “but heroes such as yourselves are, I’m sure, needed all over the Four Continents.”

Gaius nodded. “Yes, I regret to say that we’ve been summoned by the ArchBaron of Biscany. There’s a small matter of his daughter’s kidnapping by a band of, well -- I hesitate to say,” said Gaius, totally wagging it, “ne’er-do-wells. Let’s leave it at that. No one likes to impune the honor of a virgin and future archbaroness. She is quite the looker,” he went on with a sly grin, which turned into more of a frown when he heard Ilium clear her throat.

“Regrettable,” echoed the Duke, “and more so since that piss pot incident seems to have disturbed my pet.” And with that, and a flourish that rivaled that of any in any kingdom, the Duke stepped back, making way for a darker, deeper, more dangerous shadow to come forth.

They’d not gotten a good look at the Palace Guardian earlier — regrettably, but more regrettably now, Gaius, Axor, Ilium and Bane were getting a good look at it finally. Even with the sunrise behind it, the towering beast mostly adorned in shadow, it was more terrifying than Tax Day. Twelve feet of protein powder and gym membership abuse, a snarling, slobbering brute sporting a broad ox head on massive shoulders, two tusks protruding from its jaws and a tuft of bright purple hair between its pointed ears, not to mention a thick golden ring through its nose, dripping with some rather unsanitary-looking minotaur snot. Its bare hide was a mottled brown, riddled with scars that belied old wounds laughed off like so much spilled beer, and its singular article of clothing was as stained and unkempt as Bane’s was pristine and shiny.

“Minotaur bop,” snarled Bane, stepping forward, his own frame dwarfed by the menacing creature. It huffed in response, a little cloud of reddish-black mist shooting from its nostrils, and as it dissipated in the morning air, the minotaur squared off on Bane and charged.

Steel met steel, battleaxe on battleaxe, ringing out like a great Tiberian gong that set Gaius’ teeth on edge. The two behemoths went blow for blow, or bop for bop in Bane’s case, like a bloody ballet without a single drop of blood spilt. The two danced, axes slicing the air, razor sharp blades whistling, yet neither could land a hit. Bane growled as he heaved his axe overhead for a crushing blow, only to be met by the minotaur’s battleaxe and its own throaty roar. The earth shook, the castle walls trembled, and even the sun seemed to question its decision to get up this early, slipping behind one of the castle’s six towers and thinking perhaps it should go back to bed for a bit.

Suddenly, the main doors of the castle shuddered and crashed to the ground, a contingent of castle guards dropping what looked like a sturdy dining room table cum battering ram and drawing their weapons. They fanned out, one eye on the battle of the big bastards at the far end of the courtyard, their other eyes aimed at the remaining three interlopers, early morning constitutional, or not.

From the far end of the courtyard, well out of the way of the raging battle, the Duke of Dread piped up, his voice ringing out over the grunts, growls and grating metal. “Cobbler for three, I think,” he chortled.

“Gaius!” growled Ilium for the umpteenth time, which was great during snogging, Gaius had to admit, but hadn’t been his favorite thing to hear the last few hours.

He turned, stifling a shrug, and ran through a dozen spells in his head, his right hand tapping the pouch on his hip. No matter what he tried, the spell would go wrong, leaving them sitting ducks. Three magicians without any of their other usual weapons and one mighty barbarian, who looked to be tiring, perhaps even outmatched by the bigger foe — reminder not to tell Bane that…ever. Axor gripped his sitar like he’d gripped that last tankard of ale at the tavern they’d been in back in Toronor -- white knuckled and nervous that the ale would run out after Bane declared himself off the wagon again. Ilium fidgeted, something she couldn’t help and yet hated with a passion ever since she’d fidgeted with what turned out to be a magic lamp, unleashing a centuries-old genie they’d been forced to trap back inside because not only would he not grant any wishes, he was a bit of an asshole at the pub.

With death closing in on all sides, Bane faltering, and the Duke of Dread going on and on about his cobbler, there was little left for Gaius to do. He needed a heroic sacrifice, he knew, but that was asking a lot of a guy who’d just invested a heaping helping of gold into his 401k and discovered that the Love of His Life was a sucker for 2-for-1 turkey legs. There was only one thing left to do — agree with Ilium, as dangerous as that seemed, and acknowledge that the Sapphire of Regret was, in fact, ruining every spell they’d cast since it came into their possession. He had to be rid of it, and they had to be gone from the Duke’s castle as soon as possible.

What to do, he thought? Why cast a teleportation spell, of course. And not just any spell. His homebase spell, a magic he’d bound to his favorite quill, the one that sat on his writing desk at home. The one he’d pricked his finger with while writing with invisible ink, causing acute invisible ink poisoning, which had remarkable side effects. On one hand, he’d become completely invisible for about ninety-three minutes, and on the other, he’d been so addled from the poison, that he’d wandered down to the local public bath and fallen asleep in the ladies section, only to reappear quite unexpectedly not long after falling asleep in the great tub that Ilium always used.

Who could forget that day, he thought? A day that would live in infirmary, which is where he’d ended up. Luckily for him, he was clothed when he reappeared, and more lucky still, Ilium had felt sorry for punching him in the shards more than three times -- that was as many as she’d own up to -- and come to visit him, where they’d had their first unofficial date.

The guards were still waiting, watching for Bane to fall so they didn’t have to do much clean up later, but Gaius didn’t hesitate. His friends were counting on him. And with a flourish of fist and foot, a little jig with a twist, and a booming voice, he cast a half circle of what one might unmistakably mistake for glitter into the air and shouted:

By floorboard, by firelight, by undercooked stew—

Take me to slippers and teacups and loo!

HOMEWARD BOUNDUS!

Time ground to a halt faster than a two-foot gnome charging what turned out to be an active ant hill, and the air around Gaius and company twisted into a knot. The minotaur’s battleaxe hovered inches from Bane’s brainpan, and the Duke of Dread was one syllable into the word “cobbler” again when the magic took effect. The Sapphire of Regret, like the clockwork of a broken clock, tingled in Gaius’ pouch, and the four adventures, Heroes of the Six Kingdoms and Four Continents vanished.

Author’s Notes: It’s been maybe two months since I wrote this, and I’m reading and remembering. I mean, I know how this ends, and I remembered some of the major set pieces, like Bane’s loin cloth turning invisible in the last episode, but I’d totally forgotten about the crazy spells that went wrong. I’m having a laugh, and I hope you are, too.

Which spell that goes wrong do you think is the best?

Also, should we bring back the Duke of Dread and his cherry cobbler in a future story?

I feel like Gaius and his pals have legs — in other words, I feel like they have some staying power and can go on to more stories. What do you think? And if you think that answer is yes, what would you like to see them get up to?

As always, thanks for reading! I really appreciate it. I’m having a good time, but it’s nice to know that you, the reader, are, too, so please like, comment and share.